I had a hard day yesterday.

Really hard.

I think as parents we go through waves of emotions. Turns out those waves may be closely tied to the amount of sleep one gets, but they are there, nonetheless. Collin has been sleeping terribly lately, worse than when he was an infant in fact, and yesterday I found myself resenting him.

I wanted to tell him to “just leave me alone” and I wanted him to feel bad and know that his waking was making me miserable. Go figure – he didn’t get it. He was none the wiser. I was grumpy and short with him, thinking that maybe if I was ugly enough he’d get the hint. FYI – 3 year olds don’t really get subtle hints.

I started the routine I do on a daily basis to get ready for my day and paused to take a deep breath. “Breathe in, breathe out,” I told myself, on the verge of tears, from a mix of exhaustion and anger. My frustration stemmed from the fact that he was waking in the middle of the night to tell us things like “I don’t want to sleep – I am bored” and that he doesn’t “like his bed anymore.” These are all fine feelings to have, but at 1am or 3am or even 4:45am I prefer he keep them to himself. And he just can’t seem to get that.

We had a quiet ride to daycare where I said goodbye with our normal hugs and kisses and let out a big sigh once back in my car alone. I knew I was acting terribly, I knew I was the adult in the situation – so what gives? The only thing I can blame is how tired I am. How zombie-like I feel. How awfully I am sleeping.

I had a conversation with a co-worker about it all and got some perspective. My feelings were valid, I was assured, and instead of getting worked up I should’ve had a real conversation with C about the issues. Which I did last night. I felt awful, beat myself up all day yesterday, and just wanted to give my little man an apologetic hug. I wanted to reassure him, I wanted to convince myself that I knew he didn’t mean to wake us up and create this exhaustion.

I got to daycare to pick him up and he was at the door waiting for me. He gave me a giant hug and smiled and warmed my heart immediately. He had no clue what had weighed on my mind all day – his concern was with who got to play with the blue truck that afternoon. I immediately felt regret. I hated myself for a second, for thinking that it was possible to feel those things towards this incredible child. How dare I?

Smiling back at him, really truly excited to see his sweet face, I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted and everything was okay.