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Monthly Archives: March 2011
I am scared.
I never, ever would’ve guessed we’d be in the position we are in right now. I am trying so very hard to keep my head up and just go with the flow, but even that gets exhausting when the reality is that I don’t know how I am even keeping it together.
It is scary, petrifying even, to not know what is coming next. To not know how we are getting from one month to the next. I like having control over our lives – over what we are doing each week, to what we are eating, to where we can go for a fun weekend outing. I do not have control right now. I am losing control. We are losing control.
I have not discussed this on here, but we can use all the prayers, good luck, and positive thoughts you can muster up. We are both out of full time work right now. Brian and I are both scraping by as we can to put just a few dollars in our pockets. A few dollars don’t get you very far these days, just so you know.
Brian had an interview last week with a really fantastic company that would make a world of change for us right now. He heard yesterday that he is one of the final 3 they are considering for the position. Will you please keep your fingers crossed for him?
I went out to dinner last night with some lovely ladies who always make me laugh. I was very much looking forward to seeing them, laughing (because that is always a guarantee) and talking about all of our boys (5 moms, all with boys! J – we missed you and your infusion of little girl humor!) Before that I took a little excursion to see if I could get any good shots of the sun setting.
It was gorgeous. I was in this neighborhood with gigantic houses, fancy cars, and probably anything else the owners wanted or could dream of. And I was standing there next to my Honda, feeling guilty for going out with my friends, silently debating if I should feign sickness and return home. I hate that I feel guilty about going out with my friends.
On my way to the restaurant I got some news and our situation went from bad to worse. I cried, a lot. I don’t know what is going to happen next, and I hate not knowing, but I’m going to try to keep my head up. I went to see my friends with a smile on my face and laughed and talked, but as soon as we said our goodbyes it all came rushing back to me.
The first day of spring is one thing, and the first spring day is another. The difference between them is sometimes as great as a month. ~Henry Van Dyke
Last year we made a trip down to Boston in March to visit the aquarium. I remember it clearly: there were many, many people there, the skies were blue, and while there was a cool breeze, it was a gorgeous day. This year we went back into the city for a trip to a museum and it was freezing. There was hardly anybody out and about and the whole area we were in just looked desolate.
These poor benches seemed so lonely and these trees so bare. Hopefully Mother Nature will provide us with some true signs of spring soon. Everything seems a little depressed!
It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold:
when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade. ~Charles Dickens
Time is going by way too fast. My baby is growing up much too quickly. He’s Mr. Independent and it makes me sad to know that this feeling that I have, that he is slipping away ever so slightly, is just going to grow and grow over the coming years.
Of course, I want him to thrive and become responsible and be able to take care of himself, but I – apparently – missed the memo that said it was going to start happening so quickly.
I remember the day Collin was born. I remember him being placed on my chest and how I was so afraid I wasn’t going to love him right away. But then I loved him so much right away that it hurt when Brian had to hold him while I was being taken care of. I remember looking at him and just simply knowing that from that moment forward nothing would come before that child. He became the center of my universe.
I still love him that fiercely now, even when he gets mad at me because he doesn’t like any of the options I picked out for clothes for the day, or when I bring him the wrong cup to drink from, or when I want to use the wrong choo-choos. I love him that much even though he is so insanely stubborn that sometimes I want to throw a tantrum and cry.
Collin’s latest accomplishment is putting on his own shoes. He does this well as long as I untie them and pull the tongue back for him. He takes great pride in getting his foot in there and only needing me for the tying part. Too bad his favorite shoes even have laces. He’s got a perfectly good pair with velcro that he could put on in their entirety by himself, but he won’t wear them.
He counts to ten, he can run his own bath and he likes to help us cook. He lets the cats out without being asked, he feeds the dog, he picks out his own clothes and he is well on his way to being potty trained. I find myself with my breath stolen away a lot these days, overwhelmed with the things he can do all on his own. It is just a little, tiny bit at a time, but it is hitting me like a ton of bricks – my baby is needing me less and less.
I realize he’s only 2.5 and there will be many, many years of new reasons to need me in the future, but still… where has my baby gone?
Collin had a dance party in our living room last night and I am still laughing about it. This is my first time recording video with my new camera so I’ve learned a lesson: only shoot video in landscape. Its a little squished in portrait, but you’ll get the idea. He’s got some moves!