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Monthly Archives: March 2011
The Truth.
I am scared.
I never, ever would’ve guessed we’d be in the position we are in right now. I am trying so very hard to keep my head up and just go with the flow, but even that gets exhausting when the reality is that I don’t know how I am even keeping it together.
It is scary, petrifying even, to not know what is coming next. To not know how we are getting from one month to the next. I like having control over our lives – over what we are doing each week, to what we are eating, to where we can go for a fun weekend outing. I do not have control right now. I am losing control. We are losing control.
I have not discussed this on here, but we can use all the prayers, good luck, and positive thoughts you can muster up. We are both out of full time work right now. Brian and I are both scraping by as we can to put just a few dollars in our pockets. A few dollars don’t get you very far these days, just so you know.
Brian had an interview last week with a really fantastic company that would make a world of change for us right now. He heard yesterday that he is one of the final 3 they are considering for the position. Will you please keep your fingers crossed for him?
I went out to dinner last night with some lovely ladies who always make me laugh. I was very much looking forward to seeing them, laughing (because that is always a guarantee) and talking about all of our boys (5 moms, all with boys! J – we missed you and your infusion of little girl humor!) Before that I took a little excursion to see if I could get any good shots of the sun setting.
It was gorgeous. I was in this neighborhood with gigantic houses, fancy cars, and probably anything else the owners wanted or could dream of. And I was standing there next to my Honda, feeling guilty for going out with my friends, silently debating if I should feign sickness and return home. I hate that I feel guilty about going out with my friends.
On my way to the restaurant I got some news and our situation went from bad to worse. I cried, a lot. I don’t know what is going to happen next, and I hate not knowing, but I’m going to try to keep my head up. I went to see my friends with a smile on my face and laughed and talked, but as soon as we said our goodbyes it all came rushing back to me.
I’m scared.
Black and White Wendesday: A barren Boston
The first day of spring is one thing, and the first spring day is another. The difference between them is sometimes as great as a month. ~Henry Van Dyke
Last year we made a trip down to Boston in March to visit the aquarium. I remember it clearly: there were many, many people there, the skies were blue, and while there was a cool breeze, it was a gorgeous day. This year we went back into the city for a trip to a museum and it was freezing. There was hardly anybody out and about and the whole area we were in just looked desolate.
These poor benches seemed so lonely and these trees so bare. Hopefully Mother Nature will provide us with some true signs of spring soon. Everything seems a little depressed!
It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold:
when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade. ~Charles Dickens
Oh No She Didn’t!
This past weekend we went on a little family outing to the Boston Children’s Museum. We took a subway ride into the city, which C loved, and we were able to do a bit of walking as well. It was a gorgeous, bright, blue-sky kind of day. Too bad it was cold! I am ready for warmer weather now!
The museum is three stories of different play and learn areas. Collin got to play with bubbles, watch turtles eat their lunch, drive a bus, and work in a construction zone, to name a few. There is a room there based on the television show “Arthur” and it was one of C’s favorite areas. They had a huge plane set up where the kids could pretend to be the pilot, passenger and even disembark onto a gate area. This is the exhibit he kept going back to – he loved it!
Once we made our way through most of the museum we told Collin we’d stop by the plane one more time. We got there to find two children already in the cockpit area, so I told C to wait behind the seats for his turn. Between the pilot and co-pilot chairs was this console with a couple of gears and buttons. C decided to play with these, but a young girl in the co-pilot chair pushed his ands off the controls.
Oh no she didn’t!
Collin was a bit confused – not understanding why he couldn’t play with the gears since the girl hadn’t been touching them prior to this, but he kept his cool and found something else to occupy himself with.
Eventually the mother of the boy in the pilot seat came and got him. Yes! Finally! I was so excited for Collin who had been waiting patiently for his turn. He had told me he wanted to “drive” the plane this time since he hadn’t been in that seat yet. I was in the middle of saying “okay bubba…” and he was in the middle of putting his butt down on the chair when that same girl dove over towards him and pushed him out of the way.
OH NO SHE DIDN’T!
Where in the world are her parents?! Why isn’t someone here watching this ridiculous behavior?? I know I would be mortified if we were in public and my son was doing this sort of thing. How does this little girl, who is clearly YEARS older than my son, feel like it is okay to just toss him aside while I am standing there?!
I was fuming! I said “Um…excuse me?!” to her, to myself (I wasn’t really sure I believed it had happened), to anyone… Like she may give a rats you-know-what. Then I looked down at Collin.
Cool as a cucumber, he was climbing into the co-pilots chair and looking out the window at his father, like nothing ever happened.
Sometimes I want to be just like my son, because sometimes nothin’ can get in his way.
Where has my baby gone?
Time is going by way too fast. My baby is growing up much too quickly. He’s Mr. Independent and it makes me sad to know that this feeling that I have, that he is slipping away ever so slightly, is just going to grow and grow over the coming years.
Of course, I want him to thrive and become responsible and be able to take care of himself, but I – apparently – missed the memo that said it was going to start happening so quickly.
I remember the day Collin was born. I remember him being placed on my chest and how I was so afraid I wasn’t going to love him right away. But then I loved him so much right away that it hurt when Brian had to hold him while I was being taken care of. I remember looking at him and just simply knowing that from that moment forward nothing would come before that child. He became the center of my universe.
I still love him that fiercely now, even when he gets mad at me because he doesn’t like any of the options I picked out for clothes for the day, or when I bring him the wrong cup to drink from, or when I want to use the wrong choo-choos. I love him that much even though he is so insanely stubborn that sometimes I want to throw a tantrum and cry.
Collin’s latest accomplishment is putting on his own shoes. He does this well as long as I untie them and pull the tongue back for him. He takes great pride in getting his foot in there and only needing me for the tying part. Too bad his favorite shoes even have laces. He’s got a perfectly good pair with velcro that he could put on in their entirety by himself, but he won’t wear them.
He counts to ten, he can run his own bath and he likes to help us cook. He lets the cats out without being asked, he feeds the dog, he picks out his own clothes and he is well on his way to being potty trained. I find myself with my breath stolen away a lot these days, overwhelmed with the things he can do all on his own. It is just a little, tiny bit at a time, but it is hitting me like a ton of bricks – my baby is needing me less and less.
I realize he’s only 2.5 and there will be many, many years of new reasons to need me in the future, but still… where has my baby gone?
Dance party 2 year old style!
Collin had a dance party in our living room last night and I am still laughing about it. This is my first time recording video with my new camera so I’ve learned a lesson: only shoot video in landscape. Its a little squished in portrait, but you’ll get the idea. He’s got some moves!
