Monthly Archives: August 2010

Honestly…

…I am feeling really lonely today. And not because my husband is away for another night. Truly its because it is sinking in that my friends are officially back at work. I have many friends and family who are teachers or who work in an educational setting. I can no longer just text them and expect an answer back, or call on a whim when I think of something I need to talk about. Yesterday was hard, but today seems worse. Reality is setting in… the school year has begun without me… again.

…I am exhausted. Brian was up and ready to leave by 5:30 this morning and Collin must’ve heard him because he woke up then as well, and never fell back asleep. Brian’s away again, just for one night this time, and I’ve got Collin all to myself. Despite our early start and the incessant yawning I was doing, I had planned to take Collin to the beach this morning, so that’s what we did. As soon as he was done eating his breakfast out the door we went. Its really hot here, like 90′s hot, and there is a fierce rip-tide along the beach we went to – which is being caused by the hurricane coming up the coast. There were plenty of people there anyway, though. I packed a lunch for us, all of Collin’s buckets, and we had a great time. We got our feet wet, threw rocks in the water, and had a picnic. I love that boy and am so thankful that I’ve got him to keep me company.

…I am really, really missing my grandfather. Yesterday was the 5 year anniversary of his passing. I am sort-of feeling bad for not acknowledging it on here yesterday, but I was trying not to think of it. I miss him so much. He died of leukemia and it was the most awful thing I’ve ever been through. His disease was under control for a really long time, but he started having stomach pains at one point, so his doctor took him off some medications and once he did that the cancer took no time at all wreaking havoc. It was heart wrenching. Five years ago today I was torturing myself with the guilt of not driving down to Mass. General one last time to see him again. Five years ago, minus a couple days, I had to get up and leave the table at Bugaboo Creek Steakhouse while we were out celebrating my sister-in-law’s birthday because my mother called to tell me it was “bad.” Five years ago I lost an incredible man, who’s goal in life was to make sure his number one granddaughter was always happy, or so it seemed. I can still hear his little whistle to get my attention and I can still see his arm hanging out the window of his car, ready to wave at anyone and everyone. He was so loved.

…I am blessed to know someone with the heart of this lady… Kate. She just gave me this award.

I haven’t really been doing the award thing lately but I wanted to say thank you to Kate because she is just so sweet to me, and so kind. What she had to say over at her blog about my writing really made me feel as though I’m doing something right. She said “It’s easy to blog about the good stuff that goes on, but these two ladies share their struggles and hurts and disappointments in such an authentic and endearing way.” Now, I do realize that I’ve been writing about what is hurting me a lot lately, and I promise I will get over it (don’t I always?),  but just having someone acknowledge that my posts and my words are coming from the heart is a great feeling. So, thank you Kate. I really, truly appreciate it. You’ve lifted my spirits today!

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Here we go again, but on a positive note…

Its that time again. Here in New Hampshire its back to school week. If teachers and support staff haven’t already started then today is the day. Some students still don’t start until tomorrow or Wednesday, but for employees of the school district, summer is officially over. Another year flew by and here we go again. I’m sad today, as my friends Facebook status updates consist of things like “I haven’t had to get up this early in so long!” and “First day with the kiddos” and “Back to school day today! Wish me luck.”

I feel terrible about it, but I can’t wish them luck. Not this time. I want to be extremely happy for them, and for them all to have the best year possible with their students, but I am so bitter right now. Hopefully eventually I will be able to be positive. Today, though? Today I just want to cry. I am letting it get to me and even though I usually try not to, I am right now. I am so disappointed that I am sitting here on my couch in my sweatpants and t-shirt while my son watches Mickey Mouse instead of putting on my “teacher clothes” and getting ready to go.

The little angel sitting on my shoulder keeps telling me that this all just means something better will be coming along and I’d like nothing more to believe that. At the same time, though, the little devil keeps saying that it’s been 15 months already, whats going to change now? Its so much easier to believe that pesky devil.

I will get past this eventually. I will move on and continue searching and prove my worth somehow. I will find my optimism soon enough. Those of you who know me know that I like to find the brighter side of every situation, that I am usually a “glass half full” type of gal.

Everything happens for a reason, right?

On a positive note…

On A Positive Note Button

This weekend I helped throw a bridal shower for one of my very best friends who is getting married in October. It was a GORGEOUS day outside and we had a great time. The maid-of-honor and I, along with the Bride’s mother, put our minds together to create a nice luncheon-type celebration. It was a great time and we had fun celebrating.

Do you have something positive you’re proud of and would like to share? Start your week off on a positive note and share something noteworthy with us and get a little pat on the back! Just end your post with a paragraph that starts with “on a positive note,” grab the button or include a link, and join in!

Have a great week everyone!

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Another week down and out.

Well, I survived another week. Thats something, right? I was supposed to have an interview today for a para position in a school, the ONLY interview I’ve gotten for a school position since I became unemployed 15 months ago, and it was canceled. I’m bummed. Also, I had an interview last week that I thought went VERY well and was told I’d have an answer by mid-week this week and I have yet to hear anything. Guess he meant I’d have an answer only if I got it. Lets just say I’m not feelin’ too great about the jobs right now.

I ended up babysitting for some friends of ours for Wednesday, Thursday and today because of some urgent circumstances and I could not be more pleased with how its going. The baby is 5 months old, easy as pie to take care of, and we’re having a blast. Yesterday I got her and Collin to the park by myself! Okay, so that isn’t that grand but to me it was a huge success since I’ve never done that on my own. I also returned home to get them both fed and down for a nap. I enjoyed some quiet time!

Today is my sister-in-law’s birthday. Happy Birthday Amy! We are going to celebrate with dinner tonight. This weekend is up in the air. We were going to go to a local air show, but the Blue Angels are going to be there, so the crowd is estimated to be over 70,000 strong and its supposed to be very hot again. I’m not sure it’ll happen anymore.

Anyway. I’m rambling. Do you all have anything exciting going on this weekend?

Here is todays 5QF:


1. How many pets do you have?
Too many. I have one dog, three cats, and a tank full of fish.
2. If you could switch places with anyone in the world for one day, who would it be?
Hmm. How about Kelly Preston. I think it’d be pretty freakin’ cool to have my husband fly me around in his very own plane any time I wanted. Not to mention I’d have a butt load of money.
3. What is your favorite money saving tip?
Well, its not really a tip, but I love the feeling of satisfaction when I can hand over a pile of coupons at the grocery store. Clip your coupons peeps!
4. What do you want your kids to be when they grow up?
Happy. Caring. Loved.
5. What is your favorite quote?
I have a lot of favorites. I love quotes. Here’s one:
“Everything happens for a reason. Every action has a reaction. Always remember that whats meant to be will always find a way to come about.” 

To join in on 5QF visit Mama M and link up!

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Whats Love Got To Do With It?

Do you know what I love about blogging? I love that no matter what I am going through I can count on the fact that someone out there has gone or is going through the very same thing and that it is okay to feel some of the things I do as a wife and a mother. It is truly incredible to know that I won’t be judged or ridiculed but instead comforted for the bumps along the way on this roller coaster called life.

I have been hesitant to write what I am about to write because I feel like I am the bad guy. But I’m not the bad guy, I’m the bad girl. But that just sounds dirty and I’m a prude, so we won’t say that either.

Up until just a few days ago I was having a very hard time accepting love in my life. From my husband. Not the physical kind (although, that was certainly affected too), but the I-really-missed-you-while-I-was-away, emotional, caring kind. I was pushing him away and I don’t know why. I have been under stress – not having a job, feeling like I am the only one taking care of the house, and sometimes feeling like it was a burden to him to take care of our son. I found myself just wanting to be left alone.

Instead of talking about it with him, like I usually do, I started not talking to him, which was the biggest mistake I could’ve made. I pride myself on the open communication we have, how well we talk about things and work things out without getting upset. I am not sure what changed this time. Everything he did annoyed me, everything he said made me mad, and I just wasn’t forgiving him for whatever he didn’t even do. I kept telling myself I had enough. I retreated to the office area in the basement, I went to bed without saying I love you, I expected him to just know what was wrong.

Then the time came for him to go away for the week for work. I missed him, truly and deeply, but I also wondered if it was some sort of cosmic intervention that he went away at that point in time, because, as they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder, and that is exactly what happened. By the time he came home I was ready to dole out hugs and kisses and I Love Yous like they were overflowing inside me.

I think as mothers and wives and employees and whatever other role you may serve, it is important to remember what love has to do with it. Love isn’t just going to happen without working at it. That there is a reason we fell in love with our significant others and that reason is just as important years later as it was in the beginning. I am so much better today thanks to this realization. I was able to reflect over the last few days and went back to our early years, to the moments my heart fluttered with every touch, when my stomach did somersaults with every kiss, and when looking into his eyes took me to a different place.

The love is there, sometimes I just need to dust it off. It has been a really long time since we had any sort of “date night” (I think the last time JUST the two of us did something along was in April when we went away for our anniversary!) and we are in desperate need of some us time. He is such a great man, I don’t know what the heck I was thinking not accepting his love, or maybe the more appropriate way of saying it is that I was just taking advantage of it. He isn’t perfect – he still leaves wrappers on the counter even though he has to walk right past the trash can to leave the kitchen, he still leaves socks strewn about the living room floor, and he still leaves hair on the bathroom sink after shaving, but I am not perfect either. I can live with these things and love him as hard as I can every single day like I promised I would, or I can go crazy. I would very much prefer the former.

Friends, if you’re doubting love take a moment to reflect and let yourself fall head over heels all over again. If you’ve never had this problem, well – consider yourself blessed even more than I am.

Babe, because I know you’ll see this… I’m sorry for being a twit, and I love you. With my whole heart and my whole life.


Shell, at Things I Can’t Say, hosts Pour Your Heart Out every Wednesday. To do some pouring of your own go on over for a visit and link up!

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Starting the week off "On a Positive Note"

Here we are… Monday again! Yesterday was a wonderful family day for us and even though it got quite chaotic at some points, with a toddler on nap-strike, a very loud family dinner, and some shopping thrown in for good measure, I still managed to enjoy it.

This week I have some exciting things in store, like a play date for the little bambino, a movie night with my bff, and dinner out to celebrate a friend’s engagement! I can’t wait. To start the week off on the right foot I am going to ask you all to participate in a little carnival I’ve started called “On a Positive Note.”

On A Positive Note Button

Every Monday I’m going to post a linky so you can join in. All you have to do is write up a post as normal some time during the week – it can absolutely be Monday, or another day if you’d prefer – and end it with a paragraph starting with the words “On a positive note…” then come here and link it up. Your paragraph should be about something positive you did, some accomplishment to be proud of, and we will all share your greatness! Think of it as a pick-me-up for the beginning of the week! It can be something as mundane as getting through all of that weeks laundry (because we ALL know that isn’t the easiest task!) to something incredible like finishing a full triathlon. Whatever your heart desires, let us celebrate with you! Make sure to include the button or a link back here so others who read yours can join in if they want to as well. Thank you to anyone who joins in. I really, truly appreciate it!

So… On a positive note, I did something I have a very hard time doing this week. Brian, my husband, was away for the week for work and I had some things already planned that I really couldn’t reschedule. So, I asked for help. I sucked it up, accepted that I just can’t do every little thing all of the time, and asked friends and family for their assistance. Helping with Collin, picking up food, taking care of Brady…. a little bit of everything. And do you know what happened? NOTHING. Nobody got mad, nobody rolled their eyes or scoffed at me, nobody presumed I was just being lazy. It was a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I couldn’t have had the great week I did with Collin if it weren’t for the help I got, and now I know not to be so afraid to ask for it. I am so thankful for that.

Have something to share? Join in the celebrations! Link up here:

Happy Monday!

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