This is a story:
I was on the phone with my husband the other day and I was insisting that I lost my phone. He calmly said “you mean the phone you’re talking to me on?” ::headdesk::
I told this story because it is how my life is feeling right now. I feel like everything is spiraling around me – lost, or at least out of reach, and all it takes is someone who actually has their stuff together to point things out… hey – you got this – its right there!
Its November. My baby is 8 months old. How is this possible? I feel like I’ve missed it. He’s so incredible. Pulling himself to stand, giving kisses, waving, crawling, and on and on. He’s doing so well and has had such a cognitive growth spurt over the last two weeks – it is really astounding.
Collin is doing wonderfully as well. He is really growing up quite a bit since starting kindergarten. Brian and I are going in for our first parent-teacher conference tomorrow and I am very curious to hear what his teacher has to say. He loves school, so hopefully she at least sees that much.
We have had a busy fall here, full of apple picking, photo sessions, t-ball, and lots of playing outside. Up until very recently the weather was pretty gorgeous for a while, so I have been able to watch my boys play in the leaves, take them for walks, and just enjoy the gorgeous golden fall sunlight. Since the time change I am missing our late afternoons immensely – it seems like bed time comes faster and faster now.
I am hopeful things will be calming down soon – with the holidays coming up and photo sessions winding down I am extremely excited about quality time as a family and lots of fun to be had!
I think I have effectively alluded to the fact that life is a bit overwhelming right now in my previous posts. I’ve got so much going on that I have a list of daily things I need to make sure I do because I will forget otherwise. Then I have lists of chores around the house, shopping lists, home projects, a list of clients whose galleries I am working on…. and so on and so forth.
I am feeling so detached from life right now. From having anything to do besides work, school, photography, home, rinse, repeat. I feel like I have no friends because I haven’t really spoken to anyone outside of my household for more than about 5 minutes in over a month. I am teetering on the edge of frustration at work because of circumstances and people and the what-ifs and why-nots. Photography is almost going TOO well, because I’ve got a boatload of work and no time to do it in. And home… well home is my happy place.
Camden is getting baptized tomorrow and while in the middle of planning and shopping for that I was getting all spun out. But why? Really, there is no need to get so worked up on such a wonderful thing happening when I actually get to relax (kind of anyway), focus on my family, and love on my little. We got what we needed to get, we will have a great day, and in the end nobody is going to care which pants I wore or what color shirt Brian had on. I took a few deep breaths and realized that I get to spend a whole day in my happy place and nobody can take that from me.
Can you believe Camden is now 7 months old? I can’t. I feel like time is flying, which makes sense, but at the same time I feel like he should still be my teeny baby. Tonight while I was nursing him, which is a surprising, incredible thing in and of itself, I was thinking about how lucky I am. How blessed I am. It is true – this boy of mine, both boys of mine, they make my world go ’round, and when I’ve had a hard day, or when I’m feeling crummy about life in general they bring me right to my happy place. Right where they are.
You know that hour first thing in the morning when its quiet, you get to sit and enjoy a cup of coffee and ponder the events of the day as the kids sleep in peacefully?
Yeah. Neither do I.
In fact, I believe that is a myth. There is NO WAY this actually happens. Unless of course your kids are in their 20′s and no longer live with you. Then, maybe, yes – you get to enjoy the quiet.
I have to believe this is a myth because if this is someone’s reality I may break down in hysterics. Hysterical jealousy.
I get up two and a half hours before i need to leave my house and no matter what I do, no matter the order I do things, no matter if Brian is home to help with some of the morning “jobs,” I ALWAYS feel like I am rushing to get out the door. Every morning I am frazzled. Its like a game I never win.
Every morning starts great – I am going at a great pace, and every morning it seems like I am doing a mad dash those last ten minutes and I am running out of breath.
I’m so tired of it! I am really, really hopeful we get that hang of this routine because I can’t continue starting out my days like this.
Maybe – MAYBE – someday I’ll get to sit and enjoy my coffee!
Do you ever feel like your life is building up just like a perfect storm, and before long there will surely be a breaking point and the floodgates will open, chaos will ensue, and you aren’t sure if you’ll survive?
That is how I am feeling right now.
We have been through a lot. A LOT. And we have come out on top. We have a beautiful family, we are blessed to have what we need to stay happy and healthy, and we have each other. But… it would be nice to have more. We want to be comfortable instead of just making ends meet. We want to be able to have our sights on that boat or vacation without having to squirrel away pennies to make it happen. We want to have some flexibility again.
Without going into too much detail, mostly because I don’t feel like typing it all out, I’m going back to school for another master’s degree. I start a week from Monday, and I have to be honest. I’m scared. How the heck am I going to fit school into what is already an overwhelming schedule?
Without doubt I will have times of feeling like I am suffocating.
For sure I will come across moments when I just want to give it all up.
I will absolutely have spurts when I will just cry.
But I will also keep on going. My eye is on the prize. Hard work creates opportunities – I think Ashton Kutcher said that at the Nick Kids award show….
And I will persevere.
Wish me luck.
I was so looking forward to this week. With the exception of the holiday Monday this week was supposed to provide us with a great idea of what our new “normal” was going to be like. Except Tuesday I wanted to get to work early because it was the first day for kids and in general that means all hands on deck. So, Brian was going to go to work late just that one day so he could get Collin on the bus.
But then…. 2am Tuesday morning Camden woke up blazing hot. Poor dude. Scratch going in late, Brian stayed home with the baby. Okay, we’ll try again Wednesday. Except when Collin got home Tuesday he was exhausted and turns out had something as well because he got sick… twice. Great. I stayed home Wednesday.
By Wednesday afternoon everyone seemed themselves, which was perfect because Camden had a doctors appointment scheduled anyway. Collin went off with his nana and the baby and I headed for his appointment. He is doing really great! At 6 months he is weighing in at 21.3lbs, is 27.5″ long, and is “perfect” according to the doctor (isn’t that always nice to hear?). What did he get, though? Shots. Ugly, crappy shots. Last night was HELL.
To paraphrase Brian, Camden was the grumpiest he has ever been since the day he was born. Non-stop crying, obviously uncomfortable… up all night. I felt so bad for my little baby. And of course am paying the price with exhaustion.
Thankfully today was much, much better. My little guy is 6 months old today, and for the most part was happy as can be. Maybe next week we’ll get a true idea of that new normal and be able to really get into a routine!